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Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of The Iowa Statesman.

 

By Krusty Konservative
Dictator of the Iowa Blogosphere

 

Krust Konservative Logo 2With 16 mighty fine Americans — Bob keeps reminding me it’s 18, but let’s face it two of them aren’t mighty fine (I’ll leave that up to you to figure out) — aiming to get your vote in a few months, the smack-you-in-the-face reality is that only one of them can be President of the United States.

Surely, there must be some way we can get the rest of these folks to serve their nation, though. So, I thought long and hard about it, and here’s how I envision each of the Republican presidential candidates fitting into the next administration, if they aren’t president.

Jeb Bush — Ticket taker at the George W Bush Presidential Library? Secretary of Education in a Hillary Clinton Administration? In a GOP administration, maybe he’d be willing to serve as Postmaster General.

Ben Carson — Secretary of Health and Human Services or Surgeon General.

Chris Christie — In prison for racketeering? Attorney General in a Hillary Clinton Administration? In a GOP administration, maybe he’d be willing to serve as Secretary of Transportation. I hear he really knows how to tie up traffic.

Ted Cruz — Vice President or Attorney General.

Mark Everson — FEMA director or SBA director.

Carly Fiorina — National Republican Committee Chairwoman or Secretary of Labor.

Jim Gilmore — Secretary of Homeland Security or Secretary of Defense.

Lindsey Graham — Secretary of Homeland Security or Secretary of Defense.

Mike Huckabee — Secretary of the Treasury or Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Bobby Jindal — He already has the perfect job right now. Louisiana is a political cesspool that needs some very urgent cleaning, and he’s just the guy to do it. Once cleaned up, it’ll be another beacon of freedom and a shining example of conservative governance.

John Kasich — Somewhere with four padded walls? No, seriously. The guy has been rolling around in the bat guano a little too much. In a GOP administration, maybe he’d be willing to serve as OMB director.

George Pataki — Treasury Secretary in a Hillary Clinton Administration? Attorney General, perhaps? In a GOP administration, it would be difficult to find a job he’s really suited for — not being an actual Republican and all — but maybe he’d be willing to head up the National Park Service?

Rand Paul — the perfect job for Rand Paul would be Senate Majority Leader. He’d totally kick ass at that. He should have that job right now, except he’d have to stab his new bestie, Mitch McConnell, in the back to get it.

Rick Perry — Secretary of Defense or Secretary of Homeland Security.

Marco Rubio — Vice President or Attorney General.

Rick Santorum — Secretary of Labor or Secretary of Education.

Donald Trump — Cheerleader-in-Chief? Presidential Pit Bull? Anything less than the presidency really isn’t worth giving up the family business for, but he’s stirred a pot that needs to be gently shaken every few weeks to maintain its energy level, and he seems to be the only guy who can do it.

Scott Walker — Like Jindal, he already has the perfect job right now. Wisconsin is another political cesspool that desperately needs cleaning to root out the liberal-socialist-progressive-statists that are now deeply entrenched in the state bureaucracy. He’s been doing some of that work, but it’s going to be a long, arduous process.

•  •  •

Herschel Krustofski is the pseudonym for the anonymous author of Krusty Konservative, the undisputed heavyweight champion of the Iowa blogosphere. If you have a suggestion for his contributions to The Iowa Statesman, write to him at krustykonservative@outlook.com.