Krusty Konservative: The answer to Trump is simple

Al Czervick

Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of The Iowa Statesman.


By Krusty Konservative
Dictator of the Iowa Blogosphere


Krust Konservative Logo 2Watching the Republican Establishment come unhinged over the antics — and let’s be frank for a moment, he’s planned this all out from the start — of Donald Trump is something akin to re-watching “Caddyshack” for the millionth time.

Trump is our Al Czervik (Rodney Dangerfield), the loudmouthed tycoon in a bright, neon-orange leisure suit who, when confronted with an obstacle, just buys the obstacle and all of the land surrounding it. He’s ruining “the way it’s supposed to be” for Judge Smails (Ted Knight) and the rest of the country club set of The Establishment.

Meanwhile, you’ve got this gopher — the truth — running all over the place, tearing up Smails’ beautiful golf course. So, he employs his nearly criminally negligent (and perhaps overly drug-addled) groundskeeper — Carl Spackler (Bill Murray), who stands in for the lamestream media — to kill the furry little varmint.

Then you have our endearingly naïve protagonist — Danny Noonan (Michael O’Keefe) — who represents the undecided, disenfranchised, independent voters. Struggling to understand a world he was never meant to inhabit, but desperately wanting to benefit from his exposure to it, he cozies up to Judge Smails, even though it makes him not like himself very much.

Enter the formerly naïve, now decidedly disaffected, Ty Webb (Chevy Chase) — those who have, by choice, removed themselves from the political process — who sees Danny and decides to take the young man under his wing in the hopes of sparing him from the disappointment he has already faced. I suppose you could lump me into this group, even though I’ve been too lazy to remove the “R” behind my name.

There’s a lot on the line for Danny as he stands over his ball on the 18th green. There’s his chance to go to college — his entire future — riding on whether or not her sinks the putt. There’s the new family he’s going to have to support, currently on a caddy’s pittance wages, too.

Will Danny sink that putt?

Will Ty — and, by extension, Al — get one over on Judge Smails?

Or, will Carl, in complete desperation, take the nuclear option in his effort to take out the gopher?

The way things are going, just like in the movie, it could be all of the above.

It would have been easier at the onset if Judge Smails hadn’t been so uptight about Al Czervik. He could have just ignored the guy, like so many others had, and as a result, Al would’ve simply faded away. Much like how Steve King ignored Jim Mowrer all the way to 62 percent of the vote last November.

But it’s too late for that now. By making a big deal about Al Czervik, Judge Smails has made him bigger than he really is. And now there’s only one viable — although decidedly less desirable — option.

Judge Smails must embrace Al Czervik.

In Iowa, Republicans once again hold a solid lead over Democrats in terms of active registered voters. But the group with the most active voters — substantially more than even the Republicans — are the Ty Webbs and Danny Noonans. Those too new or inexperienced with the process to know what to do, yet, and those who have become so disgusted with Judge Smails’ and the country club crowd’s antics that they want nothing to do with them.

It’s simple mathematics. No-party registered voters in Iowa currently make up 37 percent of the active voters in Iowa. In 2012, when the two primary choices were Romney and Obama, 63 percent of those disaffected voters still cast a vote for president; in 1984, when the choices were Reagan and Mondale, 75 percent of no-party voters cast a ballot.

To participate in the Iowa Republican Caucus, the Trump crowd will have to register as Republicans in order to participate. They just might engage further in the process by volunteering to serve on county and district central committees.

We call that growing the party, which last time I checked, was The Establishment’s goal. So, if Judge Smails — err, Terry Branstad and Jeff Kaufmann — could just tone it down for a few months, they might hit the electoral jackpot.

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Herschel Krustofski is the pseudonym for the anonymous author of Krusty Konservative, the undisputed heavyweight champion of the Iowa blogosphere. If you have a suggestion for his contributions to The Iowa Statesman, write to him at